In my long life, I have heard many times; “I know how you feel.” And sometimes, a common retort might be, “No, you don’t; you can’t possibly know what I am going through.” We are all as different as we are alike, and because we are, it is very difficult, if not impossible, for one to really understand exactly what another might be suffering or how badly they are hurting. Too, what may seem to be a devastating life experience to one may simply be blown off by another as if it were no big deal or so they claim. Some people are very sensitive to life’s experiences, especially if those experiences have to do with interpersonal relationships. Personal relationships are always the most difficult and always will be. Not everyone would agree with me, but I believe the stronger your “self ” is—your confidence, your value system, your relationships with others, etc., the fewer interpersonal issues a person will have. If a person has developed a strong self concept, it is less likely that they are going to be phased by what others may say about them nor will it deter from their healthy self concept.
At the same time, those of us who are affected and hurt emotionally by another’s inconsiderate remarks may very well be surprised by how well a friend may understand and how well they may be able to empathize with us. One person’s experience with hurt may not be exactly the same as another, but the emotion may be the same. I have evolved from being one who never shed tears for myself and seldom shed tears for others, to one who now feels as much emotion for another’s hurt or another’s problem as possibly the person who is actually doing the suffering. I may be reading a story or watching the news on TV and see someone, or a fam- ily, experiencing a difficult and painful time, and without even realizing it, I have become involved emotionally, and I will feel tears running down my cheeks. My wife is aware of my “old man” emotional status (it probably does comes with old age), and she will squeeze my hand. Becoming that emotionally involved with the lives of others may not even be a healthy thing for me, but it is now well-ingrained in my personality. The question remains that though one has great empathy for another, does that mean that they really understand how the person experiencing the problem really feels about it? A recent article in the magazine Paine asked that if we ever thought that we literally feel other people’s pain, we may be right. A brain-imaging study suggests that some people have true physical reactions to others’ injuries. Understanding and having emotional empathy, I believe, are two different things. While someone on the sidelines may have great empathy and may even shed a tear, it does not mean that that person is personally involved with the problem, nor feels the hurt. They may be very strong individuals and have already gone about resolving the problem with confidence. It amazes me to see the strength and the control some people have. The observer, watching an event on TV, for example, may have great sympathy for the apparent helpless one. They may even be cheering for the one who knows how to and quickly moves forward to deal with the dilemma, the hero. I have always enjoyed the following story of the handicapped dog and the young boy:
A man was putting up a sign in a window, “Puppies for Sale.” Before he had taped the last corner, there was a small boy standing by his side. That kind of sign seems to attract small boys. The youngster wanted to know how much the puppies were going to cost. The man told him that they were very good dogs and that he didn’t expect to let any go for less than thirty-five to fifty dollars.
There was a look of disappointment and then the question, “I got $2.37. Could I look at them?” The man whistled and called, “Lady.” Out of the kennel and down the runway came Lady followed by four or five little balls of fur and one lagging considerably behind.
The boy spotted the lagger, and pointing asked, “What’s wrong with him?” The reply was that the veterinarian had said that there was no hip socket in the right hip, and the dog would always be lame. The boy’s immediate rejoinder was, “That’s the one I want. I’ll give you $2.37 and 50 cents a month until I get him paid for.” The man smiled and shook his head. “That’s not the dog you want. That dog will never be able to run, jump and play with you.” The boy, very matter-of-factly, pulled up his trouser leg and revealed a brace running down both sides of his badly twisted leg and under his foot, with a leather cap coupled over his knee. “I don’t run so well myself,” he said, “and he’ll need somebody that understands.”
We all need someone to understand. That is where family and friends come in. In families it seems that there is always someone to go to, someone who will be sympathetic and who can make things better. Why? Because they love us and want us to be happy and well. Good friends, too, have travelled the road with us and shared experiences and even hurts. They often know how to console and make things seem better.
Yes, understanding and empathy may be two different things, but a person that has a goodly share of both always makes the best brother, sister, best friend and even spouse. I have sometimes wondered if the collective empathy of all those in the world may possibly have some value in the healing of those whom their emotion was felt for. Do you suppose?