There are those who generally believe that there is one, and only one, right person to marry—their ‘soulmate.’ Helen Hayes made an important observation when she said; “The story of love is not important—what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.”
My wife (soulmate) and I have been married for sixty one years, Has our life been a walk in the park? Just about! Is there anything at all that she does not like about me or is there anything that I do, that bothers her and that she wishes I would not do? Is there anything about her that I would change, if I could? If you met with us privately, we might confess to a few minor things that would have made things better during our many years of marriage. On the other hand, if you ask either of us if we think we may have been happier if we had married another, the answer, in both cases, would be a resounding No! You might wonder how I can speak for her. The reason is that at this point in our lives we know each other well enough that we can ‘generally’ speak for each other and often do. In some respects we have nearly become one in purpose and in philosophy of life; a loving unit (union) that has made it possible for each of us to know generally what the other will do in a given situation. Making it so that we can count on each other to do, to know, to enjoy pretty much the same things in life.
The question may be, do we think that had we married other persons would we have been as happy and been able to have a long and happy union with them. I honestly don’t know, but each of us are reasonable people and if the other imagined persons we are referring to, were reasonable people, as well, then the answer might well be, Yes! I have met other women who were smart, reasonable, with happy countenances that, I believe, I could have made a life with and my wife could say the same thing. I am not offended by a knowledge that she may have thought that about another and I don’t believe she is offended by me thinking that I may have had a fleeting thought like: ”He or she would probably make a good spouse.”
Ten-year-old Kristen said, when asked, “How do you decide whom to marry?” “No person really decides before they grow up who they are going to marry, God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you are stuck with.”
There have been many articles written about soulmates, (the one you are stuck with) most of them calling it a myth. There is probably no such thing as a soulmate, one who was meant for you and only you, a marriage that was made in heaven before being born to earth. Others say that the soulmate myth is incredibly dangerous. They explain it by saying; the one major hazard for those who subscribe to this myth is that those who assume that marital bliss will only be a result of finding their one “soulmate.” That shifts the responsibility away from improving themselves or nurturing their marriage: “If we are soul mates, then nothing will go wrong in our relationship, and it will be easy.” A conflict will make a destiny-believer question whether the current partner is actually their soul mate, and then they give up on working it out, In other words, rather than working hard on individual improvement and working equally hard at nurturing their marriage, they can be tempted to assign all the blame to the spouse (I guess she wasn’t my ‘soulmate’). The idea of a soulmate is quite a romantic notion and has been the plot of countless cherished books and movies. The Shangri La of marriage. Too often those “destiny” couples who are not happily married (though they had ironically once believed that their spouse was their soul mate), simply believe they were duped and that they didn’t marry their soulmate, after all. Somewhere, their soul mate must still be out there somewhere. If we were really soul mates, then nothing would have gone wrong in our relationship, and it would have been easy. The key to a happy and a long lasting marriage is caring about and working at making each other happy and meeting each other’s needs, needs that may be different than our own. Each of the partner’s have to be sensitive and loving and willing to carry the load that marriage always places on each person in the partnership.
A Woman’s Poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits from my mother.
(That is a soulmate.)
A man’s poem, in humor may read a little different, his needs, interests are different. Different needs do not make them incompatible, it rather means that marriage between a man and a woman has got to be a give, take and share alike institution. Then after some years the two may feel like ‘soulmates’: two different people, in love, sharing their lives together, in a state of happy companionship. Marriage will not and should not, take away from each of the couples individualism, they are still two individuals born with different talents and even some different interests. Marriage shouldn’t rob either of them of their innate individualism. The marriage should be the catalyst that enhances one another’s talents and interests.
A group of four- to eight-year-old children were asked, “What does love mean”? Their answers were very interesting. The answers range from silly to down to earth;
“Love is the first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way.”
“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.”
“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”
“Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don’t yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings.”
“Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.”
“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.”
“You really shouldn’t say, ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”
Winnie the Pooh said, “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you”
I personally think that; “A soulmate status is not a myth, it is a status, well earned and derived at only after many years of a loving and caring relationship between two different people.