My younger brother, Martin, was a poet and a philosopher of sorts. While he was serving in the U.S. Coast Guard we often exchanged thoughts via letters. His letters included poems and philosophies that were critical of the norm. He sometimes described things that he thought were wrong with families, society and life. In one of his letters (in my memory box) he said; “No one should go through life living with somebody else’s standards.” Saying in a sense that a child should not be expected to live as their parents lived; he should evaluate life and select a standard of his own. Or he should sample the various standards others live by and select one that suits him. His assumption was that there is no God, a God who has ‘a plan, a set of standards for all of us, with guidelines for us to live by. If it were my or anybody else’s standards, I would have agreed with my brother. However, I believe a person should strive to live a much higher standard, the very standard that has been provided by the Almighty. Children should carefully consider their parent’s way as their own standard, if their parents live good lives, even God fearing, God loving lives. That’s not always the case as the following story attest: “A young man, while working on his master’s Degree in psychology, was studying Juvenile delinquency around the city of Chicago. His research required that he call up families in the area to ask the parents if they knew where their children were that night. He was surprised to find that the majority that answered the phones were teenagers who had no idea where their parents were.” There is no question that in some cases it is the parents who are delinquent.
I recently found a letter in that same memory file from our eldest son, who was in the Navy at the time, and since deceased, written to his younger, teenage brother. Anything and everything that reminds me of him, his life and time on earth, are emotional memories. His younger brother was having trouble finding himself in a world with so many attractions, some positive and some were very negative. At this particular time the negative draw (attraction) was a little stronger for him, pulling him toward a very unhealthy way, and a group of like-minded young men. Together they were headed for, what to them was fun and freedom, but to parents and society they were headed to, alcohol, drugs and wild behavior and maybe even danger. We as parents, of course, were beside ourselves with anguish, frustration, and a feeling of helplessness.
Our eldest son’s advice was not a negative scolding to his younger brother but rather a somewhat simple philosophical way of looking at life, as a youth, and the various paths they are drawn to. He said, “If you are like me, when I was young, you’ll find yourself torn between two lives, or should I say lifestyles. One is that you know or believe you ought to have, and the other is the one your curiosity tempts you with. You’re still young and can’t decide, maybe. Anyway, you’ll stick with one till it’s boring or you become disgusted and you’ll fall into a cycle. Constance is the trick to overcoming that cycle, I see you like me. Many times in my earlier days I would find myself in cycles that ranged from 2 to 3 months. For two months I would strive to do what I believed to be right then fall out into the old stuff. All I can say to you, is to watch yourself. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone about things because “No man is an Island.”
As their father, I could relate, I knew very well the fragile nature of youth, they could be persuaded to go many directions; like a seed hidden in the heart of an apple laying invisible in the orchard. Should that seed not find a fertile spot to sprout, it will become deformed. As an 85-year-old man there are some who will not believe that I was a teenager myself at one time. As a teen I was not a very religious person. I had friends who could have drawn me into any and all directions. There wasn’t anything I believed in, at that time, that would keep me on a fairly positive track that I can account for. But there was something inside of me that set limitations with respect to my behavior. I suppose there are those who would say it was a strong self-consciousness. I was raised in a large family with brothers and sisters both older and some younger than myself. The thought of something happening to them, in a negative way, affected me emotionally. Possibly I could see others (not family) in that same caring way. I am and always have been sensitive to the feelings of others. Yes, thinking about it, I do believe family was a positive influence. Too, I remember my mother, long past now, and her admonition to me was never harsh and seldom, if ever verbal; it was just a “look”. I can see it in my mind’s eye, a look that said to me, “You know better, you are a better person than that.” From that look, the look from my dear mother, I believe it is what became my conscience. That memory is what I believe kept me from danger, and things that were beyond decent, things like alcohol and drugs and just plain meanness. That conscience eventually led me to a spiritual level where I now believe I understand my relationship with the Almighty and my purpose for life on this beautiful planet earth.
The teenager above, receiving the advice from his elder brother, has now, as an older person, come to or advanced to a similar place and philosophy in life as his father. Those magnets are no longer a draw to him. But that youthful thought; ‘I’m going to find the good things and the bad in this world and gain experience in all things. So don’t try to stop me.’ That kind of attraction will be a magnet for many youths regardless of their family circumstances. With any luck, they will have a mother or a father who has that ‘look’, not talk – but that ‘look’. The ‘look’ that may become a youth’s conscience. “You know better, you are a better person than that.”
However, we never want to downplay or ignore the influence of the crowd, the friends. In times past there have been gangs of police officers who robbed store and business’ at night while they were supposedly on duty protecting those places. After they were caught one explained; “I had to go along with the others or else they would have given me the cold shoulder.” Conformity! The curse of the adolescent mind. The curse of the teenager who hesitates to buck the crowd. How badly the world needs men who dare to be right, whatever the crowd is doing. Someone described hell as a time you come face to face with the man you could have been but you are not. Hopefully, young men, who are attracted to the bad side, will recover from the dark side.
Each one of our five sons are different, though raised in the same household. The main difference in their behavior came from outside influences. Our youngest son gave a very short talk in church one Sunday as a teenager. I came across a copy of that talk and it made me proud. “Now you know how our Heavenly Father feels, as He must sit being bound by his agreement to allow us our agency, and watch while we ignore His spiritual pleadings and go on to make our foolish mistakes. It is important for us to use our agency in such a way that we do not take away the blessings and opportunities of other people. I pray that we will do this.